My name is Dick and I'm afraid all the time.
I can't stop worrying.
I worry so much I think I might explode.
I worry about America losing its power. I worry about those oil-rich nomads giving this country a giant wedgie the way the cool kids in high school did to me back in the day.
Back when I was a nerd and not the leader of the free world.
Well, de facto leader.
You think W was ever in charge? Fuck you.
Now I'm an ex, but not a has-been. Not if I have anything to say about it. And I do. I still got plenty to say.
I talk when I get nervous. Always have. And right now I'm terrified.
They don't understand what's about to happen.
And it won't be my fault. They will have only themselves to blame ...
I hear those late-night comics making fun of the way I talk, making me sound like the Penguin in the old Batman TV show. Well, that was a great show, and if you don't think so, you must be some kind of elitist snob, so shove it.
They think they're so cool. They think they can give me a virtual wedgie and just walk away—laugh all the way to the bank. I got news for them. Nobody but nobody pulls my underpants up my crack. Not anymore they don't. Virtual or otherwise.
They're the ones. Oh, yeah. They're the ones who need to live in fear.
Live in fear like I do. Like I always have. Always having to look over my shoulder.
I cannot be held responsible, I'm telling you now.
Tell them! Tell them for me that they'd better be on the alert whenever they bend over. I get one glimpse of Jockey white, one glimpse of BVD elastic, and I'm doing it, Doc.
They've pushed me too far this time.
Do any of those we-don't-torture softies ever worry, like I do, that there is going to be a whole series of attacks all across this land? Do they really think they can choose NOT to live in fear? Ha!
The new Veep thinks he's got the terrorists on the run, thinks he's reduced the threat of attack. He hasn't. He just increased it. And Jon "smarty pants" Stewart with his Daily Show saying my pronouncements have never been right—about anything. What a wiseacre. Always playing clips of me making predictions that haven't come true. Well, I know I'm right this time.
I know I'm right, because I will attack. I will go nuclear.
Oh, yeah! You'd better believe it, Doc. I will go nuclear on their asses.
Atomic wedgies all around!
Then we'll see how they like it.
I'm not kidding. This is war!